1a) In which Bean releases Princess Diana from her internet prison

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(PRINCESS DIANA is trapped in the screen.)

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PRINCESS DIANA
…Where am I?

Who the fuck are you?

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BEAN
I’m…  I’m Bean.

 

PRINCESS DIANA
You’re what?

 

BEAN
My name: I’m Bean.

 

PRINCESS DIANA
That’s not a real name.

 

BEAN
It is now.

 

PRINCESS DIANA
Where am I?

 

BEAN
You’re in my house. 

In the future, to you. 

But the now for me.

 

PRINCESS DIANA
…

 

BEAN
My dad works for The Encyclopedia. 

 

PRINCESS DIANA
…

 

BEAN
You’re dead. 

 

PRINCESS DIANA
I’m…what?

 

BEAN
You’re dead.  You died in a car accident. 

Some people think it was planned.

 

PRINCESS DIANA
…I’m…  Dead? 

 

BEAN
I’ve had a crush on you for years.

I always look at your entry in The Encyclopedia.

And I’m not supposed to do this.  I’m really not supposed to be doing this.

I mean, my dad could get into a TON of trouble: he’s just supposed to check the birthdays and the deathdays and make sure all the information is correct on each article, you know? 

He’s only supposed to take you out if he has like a specific question.  And even then, there are certain precautions, you know, to make sure you don’t run away and all... 

 

PRINCESS DIANA
Run away?

 

BEAN

Today’s your birthday.  July 1st.

(BEAN SINGS…)