​

   3) In which we spy Dr. Phil on our neighbor's TV set 

​

​

​

   (PAISLEY is sitting in front of her TV set, watching Dr. Phil, which we occasionally hear snippets         of.  She yells:)

​

PAISLEY 
Bruce.
…
BRUCE!

   (BRUCE yells back from the other room.) 

​

BRUCE
What?

​

PAISLEY
Get me cake.

​

BRUCE
Get it yourself. 

​

PAISLEY 
I can’t: Dr. Phil is on.
I haven’t seen this one.
…
Bruce?
…
Fine.

   (PAISELY gets up and walks to the other room.  Meanwhile: Dr. Phil.  She returns and sits on the couch.       BRUCE comes in, dressed up nice.)

​

BRUCE
What do you think? 

 

PAISLEY 
About?

 

BRUCE
The look?  My look?

 

PAISLEY 
Yeah.  Good.
…You don’t want to wear the blue tie?

 

BRUCE
No.  It’s too short. 
…
You just gonna sit around today?

 

PAISLEY 
That’s the plan.

​

//

​

BRUCE
So.  They got Dr. Phil back.

​

PAISLEY
Yeah.  Apparently.

​

BRUCE 
Where’d they find him?

​

PAISLEY
Water Treatment Plant or something?

​

BRUCE
Jesus.
…
Is that my cake?

​

PAISLEY
No.

​

BRUCE
That’s my cake, isn’t it.

​

PAISLEY
You weren’t gonna eat it—

​

BRUCE
I was saving it for tonight.
Celebration cake if I get it.
Consolation cake if I don’t.

​

PAISLEY 
Oh please.

   (BRUCE wrestles with PAISLEY, grabbing for the cake.  His car alarm goes off.) 

Shut it off!
BRUCE: SHUT IT OFF JESUS.
You wanna wake up the whole fucking neighborhood. 

   (The car alarm stops.  BRUCE takes a big finger of frosting.) 

 

BRUCE
Mmmm…that’s good. 

 

PAISLEY 
Nah-huh!!!  Give me that.
Let me taste that finger.

 

BRUCE
Stop.

PAISLEY 
GIVE ME THAT FINGER.

   (PAISLEY licks BRUCE'S finger clean.  Quiet.  They both watch Dr. Phil.)

​

BRUCE
Maybe that’s who I’ll be picking up today.

 

PAISLEY
Doubt it.

 

BRUCE
You don’t know.

 

PAISLEY 
They’re not going to give you Dr. Phil.

 

BRUCE
Why not?

 

PAISLEY
Because he’s too important.
You haven’t even gotten the job yet.

 

BRUCE
So?

   (More Dr. Phil.)

​

PAISLEY
God, he’s good.

 

BRUCE
He really is.

 

PAISLEY
I missed him.

 

BRUCE
I know. 

 

PAISLEY
We are Dr.-Phil-Watching-People.

 

BRUCE
We sure are, honey.
We sure are…

   (Smash into: 4)